I am moved to write this brief piece because of an article in this week’s Sunday Times (27^th November 2011) which talks about divorce among the over 60s rising. Since most people come to me in an attempt to save a relationship that has been ravaged by anger any increase in divorce is relevant to me.

The author of this article was making the point that divorce in the over 60s was up by 4% in the latest figures. They also stated the reason most stated for this was “behaviour.” The author went on to describe behaviours such as not putting false teeth in every day, leaving toe nail clippings or scratching when watching the TV. She described these things as all about respect and went on to describe her and her husband’s behaviours as “sniping, nagging and disdain.”

Here at Beating Anger Derby these are all normal things for us to deal with in our work. These “little” things are our boundaries that we fail to set and others fail to observe (despite us failing to set them they are meant to know them any way!!).  My clients are well aware that when their boundaries get invaded it is a trigger for anger. Now this does not mean I explode every time my wife sniffs instead of blowing her nose but I will point out to her how it makes me feel and remind her that I would rather she did not do it. Now if she continues to do this despite my interventions then maybe this is a respect issue. If this happens I revisit my boundaries and reflect on whether I may be a little rigid in my expectations of others or whether this really is a big issue.

The point I am trying to make is that I deal with it in the moment. I don’t let it fester.  I also have a healthy relationship with myself and I can admit (well I can most of the time) if I am just being cranky. What I hope I don’t do is let it carry on, and on, so that it festers until one day I pack my bag and leave citing toe nails, personal hygiene and in-laws as evidence of a lack of respect in the relationship.

I can see how this happens though. The population of this country, in general, is passive. We don’t like conflict and as such would rather ignore it. What we often fail to realise is if we don’t deal with it when it is a small issue it just gets worse. So I can imagine what the impact of an issue left over a 40 year marriage could be like. Dealing with issues at the time is just one of the things we help people deal with in Anger Management. Put simply it’s just true personal development.

Have I noticed an increase in the 0ver 60’s coming to my clinic? Yes I have as a matter of fact. I have also been impressed with the open minded attitude and the commitment to their marriages that accompanies them.