Coronation Street hit the headlines this week when Owen Armstrong smacked his stepdaughter in Monday night’s episode.

Smacking children has always been a controversial and emotive subject. MP John Cumming was quoted as saying that it is better that a child is disciplined than to grow up ‘untamed’. I believe that there are far more effective ways of disciplining a child.

All children need clear boundaries and positive parenting ensures that children are clear about what constitutes acceptable behaviour at every stage of their development. At every age, from toddler through to teenager, children will push their parents and carers to the limit, but this is designed to test the boundaries, and clear boundaries and consistent sanctions actually help children feel safe; a teenager pushing to stay out late at a party may actually be looking for their parent to say no in order to avoid losing face with their peers by admitting they don’t want to GO.

Smacking a child, on the other hand, is an abuse of parental power on every level, especially if smacking in anger. This is both physically abusive and also shows a complete loss of control, which is frightening for children. Smacking also perpetuates violent behaviour in children – a very negative example of role modelling.

Beating Anger Derby has developed a programme called Powerful Parenting which helps equip parents with practical tips for positive parenting, putting them back in the driving seat.

Sarah Harding’s news today that her relationship with her new beau, Theo De Vries, has become violent has brought home to me the links between alcoholism and anger. I was planning to write this blog post and now she has accelerated my thought process.

The relationship between anger and alcoholism is both complicated and simple.

On one level an individual may choose to drink in order to hide their anger. They may self talk that their anger is actually only frustration and that it will go away when they relax. Alcohol is the drug they choose to relax with and thus we refer to this as an anger bypass. It’s a form of self anaesthetisation. In my experience it is particularly common with the passive aggressive who stuffs their anger inside themselves and tries to hold on to it. The pain this causes them needs numbing and so we are back to the drink.

On another level I often find that the root cause of someone’s anger is a deep rooted pain from earlier in their life. As with anger, addictive behaviour can often have its roots in trauma of some sort. Once again we are in the realms if self anaesthetisation but for a different type of pain with a simpler causal link.

To make it more complicated we will often meet people who are drinking to numb their anger and the original trauma together.

To further complicate it my experience working with addictive behaviours is that another factor is self esteem. The lower the self esteem the more difficult it is for them to control the substance. The more difficult they find it to control the substance the further their self esteem drops.

What Sarah is demonstrating is that for a long time she has had an uncaring relationship with herself and the ultimate manifestation of this is for her to end up in an abusive relationship. Again, these often go along with alcohol and anger.

Finally, we find that some of our clients have been addicted to numerous different substances and by the time they get to us they are addicted to anger. It gives them a feeling of power and a rush they don’t get from anything else.

All of this can take on an extra painful perspective if the role modelling from parents was of alcohol or substance abuse. This often brings in a further deeper more complex factor of shame based anger.

Am I trying to say that Sarah Harding is angry? No I am not. She is showing a lot of signs that could be indicative of anger that is held in and is causing her deep pain. There could, of course, be numerous other issues for her to deal with.

What is the solution? In truth it is hard, painful work getting to the root cause and dealing with that whilst learning to take responsibility for our behaviour and learning to love and respect ourselves. Easy to say, not so easy to do. If it was easy though, you wouldn’t need me.

For Sarah? She is already along this road. She needs to stay true and, as she has admitted, avoid relationships with recovering addicts. Perhaps she could avoid relationships altogether until she is able to have an honest and loving relationship with herself.

This was a statement released to the press Jan 4th 2012

Let’s be honest, the prospect of returning to work after Christmas is unlikely to fill you with anything other than dread. In fact, when you team wet and windy weather conditions with heightened workload, increased demand for performance and practically no job security – it is no surprise that January is identified as the most stressful time of the year.

Recent statistics produced by the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) have found that the extra stresses of the season are having particuarly detrimental effects on the UK’s female workforce.

The survey concluded that stress in women has increased dramatically with 80% of women feeling unsupported, over-worked and insecure in their positions. Worringly, these increased stress levels have resulted in feelings of depression in 60% of cases and anger issues in 43%.

These peturbing statistics raise the question – is the workplace ill-equipped to deal with the needs of women and is this lack of empathy for the female workforce creating the increased stress which leads to depression and anger?

Julian Hall  highlights the dramatic increase of females suffering from anger and health problems that are linked to stress at work:  

“Our client base is approximately 40% female and we see the effects every day of stress and depression. The health effects are serious”.

Of the female respondents to the survey many reported feeling increased tension, negative changes in personality and hyper-sensitivity to colleagues, partners and other family members. Almost half of all surveyed claimed that the stresses of work had caused them to feel depressed and to increase their alcohol intake significantly. Even more concerning is the number of respondents who admitted to having experienced chest pains as a result of their heightened stress levels.

With nowhere to turn stressed out workers are bottling up their feelings causing them to lash out the people who love them the most.

Julian Hall says:

“What these stats show is that an individual’s ability to deal with stress in the workplace is directly linked to their motivation, productivity and their health. What we know from our core client group is that since they are unable to express this at work they end up taking it home with them and acting it out on their families. An employer with foresight will place this at the core of their employee well-being strategy”

With the UK at risk of facing a “double-dip” recession and very little being done by employers to deal with the health of their staff, things are looking particularly bleak for our nation’s workforce and in particular, our women.

Articles in the Guardian and the Manchester Evening News are highlighting an aggressive individual and his (possibly) failing Anger Management classes throw my specialism and those that deliver it in to sharp contrast this week.

In brief Philip Croft had been sent on the course after attacking someone. On his way home from the course he was stopped by a police officer for speeding and delivered a “but was met with a four-lettered rant.”

The judge he ended up in front of was not missing the obvious either as he said “There’s a certain irony that on your way back from an anger-management session you behaved like this with a police officer."

The humour in the situation is further heightened by the admission that he was angry because at the class he was attending the “session had ended early because people in the group were causing a disturbance” and this upset him.

Now we have all stopped for a wry smile and laughed at the irony of this man’s situation it does raise a serious point.

Does Anger Management work?

The answer, in my experience, is “Yes.” Since I opened my clinic I have only had one acknowledged failure and he has admitted that he did not bother to put into practice what he had learned. This is training after all.

To back this up we survey our clients. 95% of them rate our services as exceeding their expectations. To be really thorough we surveyed a group 2 years later. 93% rated the course as good or excellent. That statistic makes me particularly proud. That’s training that sticks.

Moving on, even in an area as specialised as this there are different providers and we are not all the same. Some still think that telling someone to count to 10 works. Others are not confident enough of the quality of their work to stick to their time standards and end up shortening their courses to fit time or cost issues from clients. I hear of some providers who deliver 1 hour (yes “1 hour!” I hear you gasp) courses so that they can retain or win a contract with a local court.

There are others that deliver Anger Management in a day. I still find it difficult to understand how a one day training course can deliver, effectively, all the tools a person needs to effect deep, personal, long term change in behaviour. In my opinion this does not work and only serves to devalue the service.

We started (and still do) offer a one day “Introduction” course. But we are clear that it is not a solution in the long term is only really to help those reluctant to commit to get used to the idea. We are very clear that Anger Management in one day does not work.

So we are still here offering 10 weeks (30 hours) or Intensive Weekends (25 hours) or one to one (14 hours) courses.

We believe in the quality of what we do. I have never (touch wood) had violence on any of my courses and I do not expect any.

The testimonials on my site are all genuine and accountable.

The positive from this story? At least a court took Philip Croft’s issues seriously enough to make him take Anger Management. That is progress.

I am moved to write this brief piece because of an article in this week’s Sunday Times (27^th November 2011) which talks about divorce among the over 60s rising. Since most people come to me in an attempt to save a relationship that has been ravaged by anger any increase in divorce is relevant to me.

The author of this article was making the point that divorce in the over 60s was up by 4% in the latest figures. They also stated the reason most stated for this was “behaviour.” The author went on to describe behaviours such as not putting false teeth in every day, leaving toe nail clippings or scratching when watching the TV. She described these things as all about respect and went on to describe her and her husband’s behaviours as “sniping, nagging and disdain.”

Here at Beating Anger Derby these are all normal things for us to deal with in our work. These “little” things are our boundaries that we fail to set and others fail to observe (despite us failing to set them they are meant to know them any way!!).  My clients are well aware that when their boundaries get invaded it is a trigger for anger. Now this does not mean I explode every time my wife sniffs instead of blowing her nose but I will point out to her how it makes me feel and remind her that I would rather she did not do it. Now if she continues to do this despite my interventions then maybe this is a respect issue. If this happens I revisit my boundaries and reflect on whether I may be a little rigid in my expectations of others or whether this really is a big issue.

The point I am trying to make is that I deal with it in the moment. I don’t let it fester.  I also have a healthy relationship with myself and I can admit (well I can most of the time) if I am just being cranky. What I hope I don’t do is let it carry on, and on, so that it festers until one day I pack my bag and leave citing toe nails, personal hygiene and in-laws as evidence of a lack of respect in the relationship.

I can see how this happens though. The population of this country, in general, is passive. We don’t like conflict and as such would rather ignore it. What we often fail to realise is if we don’t deal with it when it is a small issue it just gets worse. So I can imagine what the impact of an issue left over a 40 year marriage could be like. Dealing with issues at the time is just one of the things we help people deal with in Anger Management. Put simply it’s just true personal development.

Have I noticed an increase in the 0ver 60’s coming to my clinic? Yes I have as a matter of fact. I have also been impressed with the open minded attitude and the commitment to their marriages that accompanies them. 

Beating Anger Derby is promoting  the message to parents “Its help you need not shaming.”

An article in Children & Young People Now web site focuses on an analysis of reports to Parentline and a subsequent web survey of parents. The figures are both interesting and startling. They showed of 39,258 calls, 27 per cent were seeking advice on children’s behaviour with parents frequently reporting feelings of helplessness. 

The survey on the other hand showed that only 56 per cent of parents had sought help for their child’s aggressive behaviour and 44 per cent reported that children misbehaved almost every day and in 70 per cent of cases this misbehaviour involved angry outbursts, swearing and aggression towards parents or their siblings. From this survey nearly 4 out of 10 parents were unsure of why their children were behaving like this.

Here at Beating Anger we believe in helping parents and guiding them through the issues they face with the increasing levels of child aggression and outbursts. We will work with the child, if we think it appropriate, and the parents. What we won’t do is shame them.

I was interested in the comments in the article by Jeremy Todd, chief executive of Family Lives. He said  "There are many reasons that can explain why children behave in an aggressive way at home. Answers commonly include an inadequate approach to parenting, a lack of respect, sudden and unpredictable changes to the family routine, parental domestic violence or bullying at school, which causes the anger and hurt to spill out at home.” 

Amazingly, after using the term “an inadequate approach to parenting” he then went on to say “...parents must feel able to come forward to seek support without worrying about being judged."

I can’t think of anything mush more judgemental than being told my parenting approach is “inadequate.”

We need to be honest about the fact that parents bear a huge responsibility. They are both the role models and the ones that set the rules and boundaries and enforce them. They teach their children what life is about. We also need to be honest and acknowledge that fact that parents themselves are the product of parents who were their role models. In my experience parents will either parent in the way their parents did because “it didn’t do me any harm,” or they will parent in the opposite way because they did not like their upbringing. Whichever is the case children do not arrive on this earth with a toolkit and rulebook and parents feel they have to make it up as they go along.

Here at Beating Anger Derby we will help parents understand their child’s anger through “Understanding Anger for Parents.” We will also work with the child by taking them through one to one work with the parents present if we agree they need help managing their anger. On the other hand if we think that it’s the parents that need support we will help them with a programme “Behaviour Change through Parenting” which deal with healthy boundary setting.

In my opinion that means we can help parents presented with challenging behaviours deal with them in a constructive way without turning it into a battle between them and their children.

So the message is to parents “helps is out there. You just need to look for it and we won’t judge you or your children.”

Headlines in The Metro today proclaim that Joey Barton (the press’s favourite bad boy footballer) says he may become an Anger Management Counsellor. The full article actually goes onto report that he says “I know for a fact that if I set my mind to becoming a venture capitalist, a philanthropist, an anger management counsellor, Catholic priest, my mindset is such that if I want to prove people wrong then I'm able to do it.”
So it’s not just Anger Management that he has his sights set on. There is no doubt he does not lack confidence and I have no doubt he could do any of those things if he really wanted to.

Change

The outstanding message I take from this is that he is looking to change and he is not just looking to change occupations but vocations. There is a huge mental commitment there. He may be just talking about it but this is often the start of a change process. Bring it on Joey we would welcome you training and working with us.

Do you have to be Angry to do this work?

At the start of my training it was a question I asked myself a great deal. The phrase that haunted me was the one that therapists use so often that being “how can you take your clients there if you have not experienced it yourself.” That, in itself, is a whole blog but in a nutshell no one can truly experience everything that their clients have experienced. To be able to see the world from their perspective is enough. To control the tendency to over emote and sympathise is essential.  To hold someone in the anger and facilitate them in finding the answers is a true skill and one that I have developed and continue to work on.

A number of my colleagues have come to Anger Management from a background of anger. They are inspirational to me because of the journey they have taken. Indeed our teacher and mentor Mike Fisher has battled with anger for all of his life. He is open about the fact that he is a work in progress. The truth is we are all a work in progress and the more I do this work the more I learn about myself.

I did not enter this work from an angry background or a driven need to deal with my anger. Do I think this is a disadvantage? No. As I immersed myself in this work I began to reference incidents in my life that were angry and I found plenty of material. If we all tried this I guarantee we would all have plenty of material to work with. You do not have to have struggled with it to have experienced it.

In fact I consider my skill level to be amongst the best and it is precisely because I come to this work with my open mind and heart and my simple desire to help every person I work with help themselves.

Back to Joey and the inspirational journey of my colleagues and mentor. There is nothing more inspiring than a public figure taking steps to help those with the issues they have suffered. When the day comes we at BA-AM will welcome Joey on board. We are already preparing his place at the table.

It was a happy coincidence that as National Anti Bullying Week started I ran a weekend Anger Management Course and two of the delegates cited bullying earlier in their life as causes of their anger. The theme this year is “Stop and Think – Words can Hurt.”

The first was, on the surface, a simple enough story. He told us of being repeatedly mentally and physically bullied throughout his early school years. That was, until, he grew bigger and stronger. Instead of bottling his anger up inside he let it out and fought back. “At last” I may hear you say, and part of me said that also. The issue here was that when he let it out he felt powerful at last. He did not want to lose that feeling so he continued to explode. It wasn’t long before the bullied had indeed become the bully.

He acknowledged in the group. He was not proud of it. “I simply feel the need to get the first shot in every time. Attack before I could be attacked.” It was not physical anymore it was all verbal but there was no doubt he was a bully and he was ashamed of it.

The second delegate experienced intense bullying at school and outside of school. Her only escape was the dancing she excelled at and even then she did not always escape the bullying there. She did not turn round one day and fight. Her anger was gradually getting worse and was being directed at boyfriends in particular. Part of the intense teasing and cruel mental bullying she had suffered was that it had attacked her self esteem. She no longer believed she was worthy of love and also managed to make her mother and father’s fractious relationship her fault.

Is she a bully? No. She doesn’t bully people but she explodes for inexplicable reasons with her boyfriend, her secretary and her friends. What she worked out with us was that her need to feel loved, respected and held was causing her to trigger when she feared this would not be the case. Her low self esteem and her negative core beliefs were causing her to constantly look for reassurance.

So do the bullied become the bully? Not always. What I am sure about is that prolonged intense bullying has effects and ramifications that are deep rooted, and take years to come out. It’s not all about anger but in these cases it was.

Anyone who says “a bit of bullying never did me any harm” needs to think again and look inside to work out where the damage may be.

It has always been said that the bond between a mother and her son is special. Never more so than the situations I have been encountering recently.

As my work has extended to helping the partners of angry and controlling people (see our course End of the Line) I have come into contact with more mothers who have experienced angry and aggressive partners.

In two particular cases I have helped recently these mothers have had sons and their circumstances brought with them a special set of problems.

I have written before that the components that go together to make an angry child are angry role models (parents), lack of boundaries (don’t feel safe) and trauma (seeing parents attack each other).  In these cases the ingredients were all too evident.  Both mothers had endured long standing abusive relationships and both had finally found the strength to leave with their children. It was shortly after this that the full scale of the problems they had to deal with became clearer.

During the angry relationship their children had been brought up, through role modelling, that anger is expressed either in an angry and violent way or in a passive aggressive way. Both are unhealthy role models. In both situations the parents did not agree as to what the boundaries should be for their children and thus they were inconsistently applied. This made the children feel unsafe. It also made them gravitate towards the parent that was least likely to enforce the boundaries. This behaviour is partly manipulative (that’s humans for you) and partly because they were seeking to find out where the real boundary was. In other words, they needed to know how far they could push that parent before they enforced the boundaries and made them feel loved. Finally, their children had observed their mother being abused verbally and physically by their fathers. They felt powerless to help and were deeply traumatised by it.

When both of these mothers finally got the courage and the strength to leave then they were able to take their children to a safe place. This is where the real extent of the damage became evident.

For all of these years the children had been afraid to express their own anger because they were afraid of the consequences. After all they saw what happened to their mother.  Once they lived in a place of safety they finally felt able to express the pent up issues they had been experiencing for years. As a result they started acting out.  In both cases the sons became angry and violent almost overnight .

For their mothers the issues were multiple. The first issue was the one facing almost everyone who finally escapes an angry and abusive relationships which is that their self  esteem is at an all time low. Add to that that, more than ever before their children needed reassuring that they were safe and loved. In other words they needed boundaries in place with a single parent who felt less strong then she had ever felt. For the mother’s, having left their lifetime partner the last thing they needed was to become an enforcer. If anything they were likely to wish to treat their children as friends which never works.  

Finally both mothers felt that they had left the male abuser and brought his replacement with them. It was ironic, frightening and deeply worrying.

As they reflected on how this had happened they came across another worry. What about their daughters who weren’t noticeably acting out but had been through the same process? Their fear was that their daughters would take their mother’s role in their own relationships in the future and end up with abusive partners.  As they work with me we are taking a dual approach t helping their sons regain control of their anger. The sons see me and so too do the mothers. I train their sons and I support their mothers in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries. We are also working on supporting their children towards being independent adults rather than children dependent upon their mother to sort out all of their lives problems.

It does not happen overnight. It is a tough journey but it is worth it in the end.

I have shared this story because the sooner I can highlight the hidden issues the better. The more motivation a mother can have to call time on her partner’s anger the better. I hope it helps you.

I want to use this blog to announce a new course that has been developed by Beating Anger Derby in association with the British Association of Anger Management. It has taken almost a year, a lot of research, two pilot courses and 8 people 2 days of work consolidating the feedback.

Why a New Course?

This came out of a meeting almost a year ago where we identified that there was a pattern of contact developing with our angry clients. The pattern was one of enquiry but not committing until it was almost too late. Its is described in another blog called Danny’s (or Dannielle’s) Story. In the meeting we discussed how we would like to help people before they got to the stage where it was too late. Dealing with the anger in a relationship can heal it and we want to help people.

We already knew that by delivering our Anger Management Training we were helping more than just the person who came to us for help. We help the family that they live with. More to the point, we realised that if we let the pattern of contact but no commitment to change continue we were guilty of helping to prolong the pain for a lot of people. So we committed to do our part and the concept of the End of the Line was born.

The original concept was to run a course that highlighted to those that live with an angry partner that they have choice. Their choices may be limited and difficult but they have choice. As we researched the subject and spoke to those in angry relationships we quickly realised that there was a whole group of people choosing to stay in emotionally and verbally abusive relationships because they believed their partner would change. In fact these people research and look for anything that may help them “fix” the person they live with so that the relationship may go back to how it was when they fell in love.

It was at this point that we realised we have a duty of care. We have a duty to  -

• Educate and inform.
• Deliver the tools you need to make a decision
• Deliver essential coping strategies and techniques that will support you if your choice is to stay in the relationship.
•  

We have always known that our core client group are in a lot of emotional pain. What we realised as we met those on the other side of it is there is a whole section of the population experiencing more pain, undermining of self esteem and daily fear. We always knew this intuitively but the research hammered it home to us.

It is at this point that I would like to pay tribute to the people who came on our pilot courses in East Grinstead and Birmingham and who gave us their views. We were amazed at how generous people were in their feedback. Some took the time to sit down and write two pages or more of comments. That is how much they care. We hope we do them justice.

So, a year later, a lot research done and we are ready to start helping those suffering in the relationships with the angry. We are ready to help those being damaged by the damaged.

If you live with an angry person then have look at The End of the Line. We could save you a whole lot more pain.

This subject was brought to mind when an article on anger in sports was run on BBC TV last Saturday (25^th August). Essentially England’s Rugby team coach was saying anger in sport is not good. The journalists were asking whether a certain amount of anger and aggression is necessary in sport.

What they were really saying was “does removing my anger take away the secret of my success?” This is a question that hangs in the mind of a lot of my clients.

Lets deal with sport first. There are sports where controlled aggression is important. Sports such as Boxing and Rugby spring to mind. Even when I watch Tennis I see aggression on the court as Andy Murray clenches his fist when he wins a crucial point. That, however, is all part of the sport psychology and is well controlled. Even when John McEnroe was famously losing his temper it was all part of the way he controlled the game and his opposing players timing.

Before I go any further lets remember that a crucial part of anger is Stress and the physical components of stress are adrenaline and cortisone. The combination of these two hormones, which are produced as part of the body’s Fight, Flight or Freeze mechanism, speed up thinking times and physical responses. So a certain amount of stress will produce a better sprint performance from Usain Bolt and will sharpen up the reflexes of a title contending boxer. Again, this is part of controlled aggression.

So, controlled aggression and controlled stress in certain amounts are ok. What happens when they spill into anger?

Very simply if a sportsman is angry he/she will make mistakes. Anger gives you tunnel vision. This is why one of our rules of Anger Management is “Stop, Think, Look at the Big Picture.” As one commentator said “an angry boxer is the easiest one to hit!” In other words it impedes your game. It takes away your focus, saps your energy and ruins your chances.

That’s sport dealt with in a few paragraphs. Is business, is my career and is my life any different? Let’s look.

For example, one of my clients is hugely successful by a lot of people’s standards. He is a millionaire several times over. He has a beautiful large designer house, several expensive cars, a holiday home and a huge motor yacht. His business was started and driven by anger.

He came to see me because 3 years earlier his wife had suggested marriage guidance counselling. As a result of that process he had begun to realise that there were parts of his life that he had not really enjoyed, paid attention to or, indeed, appreciated. His wife and his children were a huge part of that.

When he came to me he had made the connection. He knew that his anger was taking away more than it had ever given him.

Many years before he had been overlooked for promotion. This started him on the path of setting up his own business. It was this anger, this determination to show the rest of the world he was a success, which drove him for many years. What he came to realise was that what really made him a success was his skill, his knowledge and his care for the end product. The anger started the business but if he had left it behind at that point he would have been even more successful. He can look back at deals he lost that were caused by his ego and his anger.

He, like a large number of my clients was what I call a “High Achiever, Low Self Esteemer.” These are people who have spent theirs lives proving others and especially themselves wrong. People, who have turned their need to be appreciated, respected and loved in to hard work and results. The have invested massive efforts in a courageous battle to beat their own negative programming. These are the people who will go to the end of the world to prove themselves and then will not be happy with the praise, respect or the rewards they get for it. Why? Because they will never be truly happy until they are happy with themselves.

So, does getting rid of anger get rid of my edge? No! My edge is my skill and self discipline. It is my ability to reflect and improve. It is my ability to imagine the future and create it. When I am angry I do not do these things effectively.

No excuses! Your anger is not the same as your determination. It is not the secret of your success. It is a hindering, cloying , suffocating comfort blanket that started out protecting you and has outstayed its welcome. That’s why you need to deal with your anger.

After reading this I hope you will be one step closer to taking the decision to deal with your anger. If you are not please ask yourself this...

“Is this really about removing something vital to my success or is it really about not wanting to deal with my issues? Am I simply trying got find a coherent reason to sell to myself that will give me an excuse to go no further?”

If you want to know the answers ask your friends, partner, children and anyone else who knows you.

In The Daily Mail today (August 5^th 2011) their reporter suggests that “Teachers should be given shin pads.” This is responding to calls from the main Teachers union the GMB. Click here for main article.

The article goes on to list the offences carried out on teachers in the role by violent and aggressive pupils and discuss the protection they need. It is no coincidence that the teaching profession suffers high levels of stress and depression.

My view, and its no surprise given what I do is that decent Anger Management for pupils with issues would be a really good starts. Follow this up with some really good emotional resilience training(see www.stressexperts.co.uk) such as Dealing with Difficult and Challenging People to support the teachers.

The net result will be lower levels of aggression and emotionally stronger teachers with pupils that are open to learning. Less stress and depression, less absence, lower costs and better teaching.

All for the cost of decent training applied in the right places.

I am often asked this question. What the questioner often really means is, are men more angry than women?

I’ll tell you what I know to start with. Our courses are made up of about 40% women. I also know that in terms of the root causes of a person’s anger they can affect men and women alike.

So why are there proportionately less women on our courses?

My informed opinion is that it is a mainly social or societal factors that cause this. Despite the emancipation of women caused by the likes of Emily Pankhurst and the revolution in women’s rights led by those including Germaine Greer true equality does not exist. Women will find it difficult to justify payment and time away from their family for course like ours when compared to their male counterparts. Also, despite theoretical equality is in play, it is viewed differently for a woman to explode with anger as opposed to a man. In reality, simply in terms of whether they are able to express themselves as freely as a man can they are not on equal terms. This, of course, can be a source of deep seated anger and resentment especially if both partners are under pressure. Furthermore because greater control, or at least less aggression, is expected of women then there is likely to be more suppression of anger being experienced by them. This is certainly my experience as women join our groups and tell their stories of years of stuffing their anger inside themselves before finally starting to explode with anger.

Remember, very few of our clients come to us expressing, and being conscious of expressing, passive anger which is just as damaging to relationships. They only come when they explode leaving their  aggression to infects others and people point out to them they have an issue controlling their anger. That really is the subject of another blog.

Another factor that stops women coming to our courses is the shame that being angry carries with it. We know that everyone who attends the course does so in a state of some anxiety and this is increased for women. This is doubled or more if they have been letting their anger out on their children.

The final stereotype that we have been told holds women back from attending our courses is that they perceive the room to be full of angry, aggressive men. The fact is of course that I have never worked with anyone yet who I have not found to be likeable, normal, and a genuine meaningful human being. The factors that bring us all together may be wide ranging, difficult to acknowledge and disparate in their nature but we are all, at heart humans.

So, are women more angry then men? I don’t think so. They just need to give themselves permission to be so and to seek the help that is there for them.

I would not normally use my own blog page to post content such as this but I did wish to be able to visibly show my support for friends who work in the area that find themselves under threat of job loss for what, on the face of it, appears to be a poor decision. Below is a letter I wrote today and posted to Downing Street.

7^th July 2011

Dear Prime Minister Cameron,

Bombardier Job Losses

The text below was meant to be an e-mail to your office but you only allow 1000 characters. I know we live in a Twitter 140 character world but that is ridiculous. I also wanted to see if there was an online petition regarding the above subject. There is not one on your site. Your site directs me to YouGov who tell me that later in the year they will have this facility. So I am led to using the old fashioned route of a letter. Please read below.

It is with interest and with sadness that I see the loss of jobs from Bombardier in Derby. Having grown up in this city where it was fiercely a railway and Rolls Royce town and proud of it, I have seen these once great industries decline. The workforce associated with them have spent the last 20 years changing themselves and their work methods, their unionisation and their attitude towards management to become a cooperative and dynamic workforce. It will be a shame to lose such passion, talent and skills.

The true story of why the bid was lost and how many jobs may or may not have been at risk prior to losing the large contract to Siemens will come out in the end. All this atmosphere of accusation and defence simply leads to take the emotion out of the loss and divert energy away from the real point. The point is that there are a lot of jobs being lost and with them vital skills that will be needed in the future.

I do think that it is an interesting and uncomfortable coincidence that you moved your cabinet meeting up to Derby so recently thus turning the spotlight locally onto what you thought of, and feel about, the local economy and its workforce. I find it interesting that no one in your team was able to help you manage expectations at that point because the decisions must have, by that time, been all but made.

Be it because of circumstance or because of your own words and deeds I think you have become inextricably linked with this crisis for our city.

As we put up with the Blair/Brown administration and their “job creation” I always felt that they were skilled at losing quality jobs and providing more opportunities for the jobless to become pizza delivery drivers. Please do not develop the same skill it will demean you.

You are a man of charisma and influence. Please use both to support the workers of Bombardier and ensure they are looking towards a future bright with the prospects of skilled, demanding and fulfilling work.

.I have a lot of faith in you. I can associate with your values and beliefs. I would now like to be able to say to my friends and family that I support your actions in this time and around this matter. There is a challenge for you here, please rise to it.

Your sincerely

Julian Hall

Beating Anger Derby

0845 505 2450

This story has the names changed. Other than that it is true.

I first had contact with Danny through my website. He enquired about courses and I gave him some details and added him to my mailing list. I heard nothing more from him for four weeks and then he called me. He had some questions about the course such when the dates were and what the costs were. 

I gave him the details he needed and he thanked me and went away.  While we chatted he was honest about the fact that he took his anger out on his wife and most of the time it was not her fault. She was just the one in the way. 

Most of his anger was at work. Again, I heard nothing from him for a few weeks until he rang asking about dates and availability. He was still unable to commit but said he was “seriously thinking about it.” About 3 weeks later he called with some urgency and booked on to the first available date.

That is a fairly common pattern of events.

Please let me tell you what was happening to Danny while all this was going on.

Danny had always had a bit of a temper but it had only really become a problem in the last year or so. He knew it was linked to pressure at work and either decided he could handle it or that the pressure would give after a while. He couldn’t and it didn't.

When he first contacted me through the website his anger had been getting worse and worse. After one particularly vicious argument where he broke a door his wife told him it had to stop. She said that if he did not do something about it she would by leaving. She said she did not deserve to live in fear. As a result of Danny getting information from me he was able to show his wife he was taking steps to deal with his anger. Subsequently things calmed down. He made an effort to be calm and his wife stopped tiptoeing round him as if on eggshells (which was always guaranteed to make him angry).

A few weeks later he could contain himself no longer and he had another explosion. The power of his rage and the violence of his temper frightened his wife more than ever before. When he had calmed down and she could talk to him she asked him when he was really going to get this sorted out. He agreed to call me and thus we had our first phone call. Despite what he was doing to his wife and knowing how she felt he was not yet ready to commit. When he got home from work that day thought he told his wife he had called me and spoken to me and that he was going to do something to stop his anger. Because his wife was both relieved and because she was still scared of his temper she did not challenge him and ask him what he was going to do. Instead, she hugged him and thanked him. Once again things calmed down because he was making an effort and so was she.

As you may have guessed the second call came after a major anger incident. Yet, once again, he was unable to commit to the course despite knowing what he was doing to his wife. His wife, because she didn’t really want the marriage to end, was still not challenging him and asking him for proof of committing to change. Instead she was accepting his vague story about speaking to me, getting more details, and that he was definitely going to do the course he just needed to sort some things out first.

You have recognised the pattern by now. So what caused Danny to commit to the course?

It was after the last nasty rage where his wife packed her bags and left the marital home. Danny realised he really was going to lose the thing he valued most. Only then did he really take action.

By the time Danny had attended the course and realised how he could deal with his anger it was too late. His wife had got to the point where she could not trust him or his temper any longer. He knew why he had lost his marriage. He now knows the source of his anger and he is doing the work he needs to do to deal with it. What he does know is that he won’t make the same mistakes again. What he has learnt will ensure that he will be to maintain relationships despite the stress he may be under.

So what’s the moral of this story?

Let’s be honest, it’s not subtle.

If you really value that relationship take action before you are forced to and especially before it really is too late.

I tell this story because it is quite a common theme amongst my clients..................... of all sexes.

What’s your story?

Here is a brief article that was released to the press this week. I hope it helps you. The British Association of Anger Management and its training team Beating Anger are proud to announce the online version of their unique Stress Test. “Stress is often the straw that broke the camel’s back” says Mike Fisher of the British Association of Anger Management. Most of us can remember angry incidents and relate them to periods of our lives when we felt particularly stressed. It is fair to say that if I am stressed I am more likely to trigger into anger. Now anger is not just about stress but if we can reduce the stress in our lives then we will immediately reduce the number of times we get angry.

“This is why at Beating Anger, Anger Management we deal with stress on every course we run” says Julian Hall Director of the Derby Clinic. “Getting rid of stress does not get rid of anger issues but it reduces incidents and helps our clients lead a healthier life. This is why we developed our own stress test and our unique way of dealing with stress.” Stress is linked directly to the oldest part of our brain (the Amygdala) which governs our fight, flight and freeze responses when we perceive ourselves to be in danger. If we think we are in danger this takes over. This was really useful when we used to run around in loin cloths and we were likely to turn a corner and meet with a Sabre Toothed Tiger.

Luckily we don’t encounter many of those on the high street or in the workplace these days. The instinctive response mechanism is still there and can trigger with anything from a near miss accident to criticism at work. That is why BAAM’s stress Test extends to ten key areas of our life ranging from Feelings of Integrity to Weight Management and Emotional Ease.

Paula Backen Director of the Birmingham Clinic tells us about stress. “Our body appears to have an almost infinite ability to deal with stress for brief periods of time. However it will need recovery time otherwise the effects can be devastating.” The effects Paula talks about are to be seen everywhere. They range from absenteeism at work through stress to muscular skeletal issues, and anger issues. In fact, because of the suppressing effect stress has on the immune system there is a link to almost every illness we suffer. BAAM have been helping their clients successfully manage their anger for over 14 years. Part of this is successfully managing their stress.

Julian goes on “Managing Stress is key to managing me and my relationships at home and at work. The reasons why I get stressed may have changed but the effects on me and those around me are the same.” If you want to try the BAAM Stress Test and get your scores go to www.beatinganger.com/stress-test

I recently returned from working in Northern Ireland with a group of people addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was there to share my strategies for dealing with anger. It was the most uplifting experience for me. Every person I met and worked with had their own outstanding qualities and they all taught me something. I was humbled by the manner in which they welcomed me into their lives and I hope to return there again in the future. One particular lady had her own personal way of dealing with anger and other feelings. She would write poetry. We were privileged that she shared this poem with us and I am grateful to her for allowing me to share it with you all.

It is easy in my line of work to relate everything to anger. Anger, however, is closely linked to trauma, pain and fear and addictions are one of the ways we deal with them.

While dealing with their anger, a lot of my clients learn to deal with the trauma at the source of their pain. Gradually, over time, they are able to heal the scars and function in society in the way they would like to be able to function.

Next time you meet someone who is addicted spare a thought for what they may have been through. Imagine what damage may have been done to them that led them to find solace in a bottle or through a needle.

This blog is a copy of a press release that came out from this office recently............

Anger Management expert Julian Hall is calling for employers to realise the true profit potential of dealing with conflict in the workplace.

Statistics taken from a survey of attendees of courses with the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) hammer the message home. 66% said that their anger affected them in the work place. 81% said employers did nothing to help them with their anger. 69% said that the course they attended had a noticeable impact on their anger at work.

“These are behaviours that have an impact on the bottom line.” Says Julian “unresolved conflict can lead to stress, depression and ultimately employees leaving, not to mention lost productivity.” The survey did not just ask for yes/no responses it also asked for additional information. “With this we pieced together the story of The Boss.” One respondent said “I have lost my temper a lot with staff and some have left because they can’t work with me.” Another said “I used to be very short tempered, would get easily wound up by the smallest things. I shouted a lot at my co-workers, did not cooperate. I was a very bad boss to have.” But, it’s not just the bosses that cause conflict at work. Co-workers who are unable to express their needs and resort to aggressive behaviour leave a trail of destroyed relationships behind them.

“Because there are certain expectations of how you behave at work, and angry is not one of them, this leads to passive-aggressive workplaces “says Julian.” This is where everyone pretends to get along but behind the scenes there is back stabbing, undermining behaviours and lost productivity.” So why is it profitable to deal with conflict? Because the lost productivity caused by stress and depression and losing quality staff is huge. A company that gets to grip with this increases its profitability immediately. “This is not touchy-feely tree hugging attitudes towards work. This is hard economics. Treat your teams with respect and they pay you back many times over.”

Recent figures released by the Health and Safety Commission (HSC) revealed that out of 33 million days lost to illness, 13.4 million were attributable to stress, anxiety or depression. The number suffering work related stress has doubled in the last 10 years. “It’s clearly an employee wellbeing and bottom line profit issue. But it won’t be long before it becomes a health and safety issue” warned Julian “I recently attended the Health and Wellbeing at Work Exhibition and the response we got to our unique conflict management courses was fantastic.”

That’s what we all hope for and what we deserve.........at least once.

How many times have you made that resolution and broken it? Once? Twice? More? I know I have been in this position myself and in the end found the easiest part about giving something up was giving up on the resolution.

It’s at this time of year that my phone starts ringing with people with good intentions. They want to sort out the anger that’s destroying their relationships before it goes too far. In truth it’s never too late. It may be too late for the relationship you are in currently but it is never too late to change. If you don’t, the result will always, in the end, be the same.

But what does too late for the relationship mean? Well in my experience it is when your anger has turned to violence or your anger has left your partner so scared they dare not do anything for fear of triggering your anger. Amazingly I met so many people, both male and female, who have gone past this point and yet their partners have not given up on them yet. I emphasis the word “yet,” because it will happen.

My resolution this year is to help more people with anger before it goes too far. This is why we developed the Sufferers Page. If you suffer anger from another, have a look at this. If you are the one getting angry, have a look at this.

There is a general cycle with the contact we have with clients. It can take years to complete but mostly it takes months.

Stage 1 – They contact us in remorse. They have gone too far. They know they have. They think they are going to lose that which is most important to them and they need to do something. So they talk to us. They do not, however, book in. They go home and say to their loved ones “I spoke to these people who can help me and I am going to take action.”

Their loved ones will grasp at any hint of change and don’t want another row. So they accept it, they hug them and say “I am so glad.” The tension in the relationship that has been there for so long releases slightly and in general things calm down between them............Until the next time.

Stage 2 – Despite making a real effort and the relaxing of tension they have exploded again. They call us. We talk. They still do not commit but they do say” I am seriously going to go away and think about it.” They go home and they say “I called them again and I am going to take action this time.” Once again relief overtakes caution and their partner does not ask the real questions such as “What will you do? When will you do it? “Again calm descends and life returns to a better level................Until the next time.

Stage 3 - it’s all gone wrong. Their partner has moved out; taken the children with them; they say it’s all over. They see this as their last chance. They make the commitment to work with us. Who knows it may work, they may rebuild the family.

Everyone I talk to has different reasons for hanging on until it’s too late and their closest person has said “Enough is enough!!” What they all have in common is that if they knew what it was going to take to get them there, if they knew the pain they were going to cause before hand and if they knew how powerful and life changing the work we do is, they would have committed years ago.

It’s because of this that we out together the FAQs. They are really a list of the excuses we all make not to commit.

There is a lot of shame associated with anger, both for being angry and also, as a causal factor of anger. Please do not add the shame of the pain caused to others on top.

Our service is confidential. Email me Julian Hall or call me on 0845 505 2450.

Together we can make it better, but only you can make the decision to skip stage 1 &2 and cut out that pain you cause your loved ones.

As anger over the way support services deal with snowfall grows, the impact of anger on those closest to us has never been more pronounced. The UK anger management specialists, BAAM, launched a new section to their website in support of those who suffer anger from others, especially in relationships. Mike Fisher, Director of BAAM, said “Since 1998 we have been helping people learn to control their anger, and therefore implicitly helping those affected by the anger, but this is the first time we have offered something directly to the sufferers.  These figures show the real impact of anger on others. “

62.5% of those surveyed who visited the BAAM sufferer’s website said they were suffering a combination of anger, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. 25% said they were suffering anger only.

“This goes to show the complexities of what anger does to others and how it is perceived by the person on the receiving end. “ Julian Hall, Clinic Director in Derby. “People that attend our courses not only learn to manage their anger but also get deeper more meaningful relationships. However, we decided we wanted to give better support to those that suffer another’s anger. This is why we set up the web pages for sufferers”

The site provides lots of information for the sufferer. They are also able to leave comments describing how it affects them. One contributor described the effect of anger as:

 “It affects your whole life - all aspects of yourself - e.g. emotional, social life, career/work life - it hurts and makes you cringe and it is embarrassing - affects your whole family and stops you from saying what you want or feel (prevents you from expressing yourself and be the real you) - it makes you feel stupid and insignificant and disrespected.”

For more information go to www.beatinganger.com/sufferer.

Julian Can be listened to, talking about how to survive Christmas on BBC Radio Derby on Monday December 5th.

As the adverts hit TV and the shops all change their windows we have known, from October onwards, that Christmas is coming. I love the preparation. I love buying gifts, and I look forward to seeing others reactions when they open them. I love choosing the food we will eat and I look forward to spending time with family and friends.

But that is where it can so often go wrong. Spending a compressed amount of time with people who we would not normally choose to spend time with and expecting it to be easy. Throw in children who have been building up with excitement for two months and are ready to blow like a bottle of pop. Add to that the long memories of family feuds, the annoying little things that only people close to you can do, put in a dash of alcohol and wait.

Is it any wonder that calls to Relate increased by over 59% over Christmas period 2009? The Samaritans also expect to receive one call every six seconds over Christmas and New Year.

So what can you do to ease the tensions and to avoid that explosive moment that can lead to broken relationships and years of pain?

• Lower your expectations. That goes for your expectations of how the day will go according to your plan and your expectations of others behaviours. There is nothing better for causing anger than the weight of unrealistic expectation.
• Let the children have their presents in stages. This lengthens their enjoyment of the day and gives you a bargaining chip for good behaviour as the day goes on. How many families do you know where the children are bored by lunch time?
• Buy lower alcohol beers and wine and make an effort to moderate how much you drink.
• Take everyone out for a walk after lunch. People interact more when they walk together, it gives everyone space from each other and reduces the amount of time for drinking.
• Invite others into the kitchen to help with cooking the meal. People bond, open up, and enjoy company more when helping each other and it takes little of the pressure off the cook

Remember, it is the time of goodwill to all so let’s help each other enjoy it.

In my experience there are roughly 3 reasons why children express anger in an inappropriate or unhealthy way.

If you want to deal with your anger but are too ashamed to take that next step read on. We get many calls from people wanting to deal with their anger. They speak with us, but they are afraid to take the ultimate step of booking on the course that will change them for good. Sometimes this is because part of them is comfortable with and used to their anger. In the main though, it is shame.

Radio 4 Saturday Live had a fascinating woman talking about her experience as an angry woman who perpetrated domestic violence against her husband.

I have been thinking a little more about the theme from other blogs on self esteem. We teach that it is an individual adult’s responsibility to take care of their own needs and not expect others to do so for them. This makes them both emotionally mature and independent.

We also teach parents that it is their responsibility to maintain their children’s primary needs or self esteem.  But what if the adults self esteem is not complete, whole, or maintained?  Parents will still, naturally, seek to support their children.

For me, in my experience of life and the work that I do, bullying is all about self esteem. It is about the self esteem of the victim and the self esteem of the bully.

Research has been released this week that suggests that fathers experience a surge of hormones similar to that of mothers when their child is born. 

Professor Ruth Feldman, a neuroscientist at Yale and at Bar-Ilan University in Israel states “This seems to be evolution’s way of helping men turn into good parents as soon as they have a baby. These hormones seem to have a powerful role in helping men bond with their newly born children.”

This coincides with a momentous event for me; that of becoming a grandfather for the first time. As I sat in awe of the beautiful little boy that my son and his partner have produced I also noticed with pride how natural my son looked as he held his son in his arms. He looked born to it.

The research published is gained from observing new fathers from birth through the first six, months of their child’s lives. The hormones involved are oxytonin and prolactin which have long been recognised as having a profound effect on women. Now the effect on men is being documented.

The effects must be long lasting or maybe we are experiencing a cultural change. My reasons for saying this is that for some time we have been running courses entitled Understanding Anger for Parents and the majority of the attendees have been women. I have recently noticed two things. Firstly I met, for the first time last month a father who came on his own. I have also noticed a trend of more couples attending together. Now this may be because we incentivise the price (£71 for one parent or £112 for both) or it could be that culturally men are becoming more involved in parenting. I would like to think it was the latter.

Whichever, our results just get better and better. Recent measurements showed that parents felt on average 43% improvement in their ability to manage their children and 48% improvement in their stress levels post course.

So, the hormones help and so too does taking positive action to learn more and improve out parenting skills.

For more details and to download an article on children’s self esteem visit http://www.beatingangerderby.co.uk/anger-management/understanding-anger-parents-1

Photo acknowledgements

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/

Image: Dynamite Imagery / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It has been widely reported and commented in the press in the last week about the flight attendant who “lost it.”

Why would I write about self esteem?

Competing and comparing ourselves with others – I am all for competition but when you continually compare yourself to others you will inevitably demean yourself.

• Putting others on a pedestal – It’s ok to admire but how many of us have said “I could never do that..?.”
• Denying and deflecting compliments – one of the most common games we play with ourselves in this repressed society.
• Setting ourselves up to fail – Setting unrealistic goals and then when they are not met “Its all gone wrong, I knew it would!”
• Attracting others to us and investing in those who will ultimately let us down – How many people do you know who continually attract and have relationships with partners that do long term damage to them?

For more information click here If you have a problem opening this pdf simply right click and save file as.

Photo credits

http://www.flickr.com/photos/charlene699/3093355060/

http://flickr.com/photos/73344134@N00/2840194335/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/restlessglobetrotter/543017707/

If you have children, it is an awesome responsibility. Since I had children I have always referred to the experience as being a member of the most exclusive club in the world whilst being the easiest one to join. As soon as I became a father I knew I wanted to do it right. Of course, no one gave me a manual and I find it difficult to ask for help. Learning from my mistakes is a good way to learn but this is crucial stuff and I don’t want to make any mistakes if I can help it. So the pressure to be a good parent is immense.